So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
