How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
