Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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