I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
