I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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