I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
