I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
