my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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