What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
