i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
