tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
These tits shall not be calmed
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
