3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
