my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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