It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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