Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
