If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
