We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
