If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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