2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he thought i was a dude.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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