first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
