I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
high people should be assigned attendants
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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