It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just invented taco cereal.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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