Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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