I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
