Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
