return my video game
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
