I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
