from now on my penis is your penis
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
