side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
