She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I just sharted jello shots
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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