Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
