I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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