i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
