It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
