Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
