Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
