Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
