I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
