Everything about him screamed your future.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
