I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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