is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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