i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Your penis caused this!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
