"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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