i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
