I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm going to jail i love you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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