If that was your dad, he is hot
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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