I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
