I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Say something about gay babies.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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