My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
