I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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