You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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